Having sexual fantasies of someone other than your long-term partner is completely natural. Erotic fantasies are often pleasant daydreams that can be used to explore one’s creative side, act upon sexual desires we have difficulty acting out in “real life”. Unfortunately, too often we feel like we are betraying our partner when we fantasize about someone else sexually. In a study contacted by the Journal of Sex Research 80% of women and 90% of men fantasize about someone other than their partner during sex.

Interestingly, most people in a committed relationship with not disclose to their partner that they are or have been fantasizing about someone else during sex. Many withhold disclosing this out of fear that their partner will they have cheated, will cheat, or no longer desires them sexually. Many people fantasize about someone else sexually because it poses no significant harm for them, they are not interested or willing to act upon these fantasies in real life.

Sometimes we fantasize about others during sex because our own sex lives have become pretty routine, we would like to add some spice to our sex life without damaging our relationship. When we fantasize, we use the creative part of our brain to create images that promotes the fantasy while the logical part of our brain reminds us if we act on our fantasies, we will jeopardize our relationship. Fantasies liberate us from the guilt of acting upon our impulses.

The danger of overly fantasizing about someone else during sex with your partner does not allow you to properly build upon your intimacy or sustain it. Fantasizing excessively can become gateway for actual infidelities. This is particularly true if you’re preoccupied with sexual images of someone else and can’t enjoy intimacy or become sexually aroused with your partner unless you are fantasizing about someone else.

Couples should openly discuss their sexual and intimate needs with their partner. Unfortunately, many times in a long-term relationship one partner or both will assume they “know” what their partner likes, the truth is we grow, mature, and our taste change. What we may have found irresistible one time me may not find enjoyable the next. Age, interests, weight, and desires change therefore, couples are encouraged to periodically explore their partners body, soliciting feedback whenever possible. Some positions may actually lose its pleasurable intensity, sometimes, becoming painful. Trying role play may also help to add spice to sex life, invite your partner to play a part in your fantasy.